Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
