1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I AM VODKA MAN
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
