someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
