I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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