don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
