you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
