your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
