Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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