Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
