I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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