Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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