The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
