Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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