Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
