Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
