Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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