Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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