I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
