I can text with my tongue
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
