I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
