I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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