Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
