god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
