he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
