I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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