This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
