where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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