My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Come share oat with me in your robe
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The power of my boobs compel you
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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