3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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