I didn't shave. On purpose
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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