I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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