my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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