i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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