Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
