forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
