i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
my liver is dry heaving
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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