This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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