Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Randomize
