just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
