i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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