wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
