True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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