I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
