i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
