he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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