I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
