after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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