No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
