That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
