So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
